Espirit

Posted March 17th, 2004 by Sean Williams

Michelle, this must be killing you or you’d have written a blog or called me by now.

Here’s the thing; I’m worried about why you want to do this. I’m worried about what’ll happen to you. I’m worried that you will be lonely or hurt. I’m worried that you will die. I’m worried that you want to do it partly because we all hate ourselves so damn much and the only thing you’ve ever done that makes those screaming voices silent is to do for others.

But you’ve been called, and so you need to think about going. I can’t really address it, because a call to service is a metaphysical thing, and my mind doesn’t wrap around the metaphysical well. You have a calling, you’ve heard that voice telling you that it’s time to serve. I’ve never heard a voice, ever, in my life. So, when that happens, I step back and respect that something religious, for lack of a better word, has happened and that I have no say now.

Michelle, you know what you’ve been called to, I don’t. I want to say that a call to serve is not a call to serve in Most-Fucked-Up-Ville, Africa, that there is a lot of work to do in America, in New York. When you were working for the Red Cross, the infuriating thing was the bullshit and the lack of money for your time, if you had a good job and more free time then part of that would be taken care of, and if you hate the bullshit red tape, I’m fairly certain that the Corps has as much or more.

You said to me on the phone, “I’ve been called” and I said, “then nothing else matters, you can’t worry about what anyone else says ever, this decision is entirely up to you. Fuck Dad, fuck Mom, fuck all your brothers, none of us has this call and so none of us has to make the decision.” I stand by that. I can’t help you.

No-one can, you awesome fucking girl. No-one can do anything for you in this decision. You’re the smartest and the most spiritual of any of us, the fact that you ask is flattering but retarded. There isn’t a single person alive in our family who has a handle on their lives enough to advise you, and the ones who I knew who are dead now weren’t any better.

This is one woman show and as much as I want to feed you lines from the audience, I don’t know the script. You’re the one writing it, you decide what to say.