Political Aspirations

Posted July 19th, 2004 by Sean Williams

It may seem fairly obvious to all of you that I am using this blog as a springboard to a life in politics, but I *swear* that’s not what I’m trying to do *at all*. Seriously.

So, I would like to take a moment to put my considerable weight behind an idea that might make even those near and dear to me uncomfortable, and surely will guarantee that I won’t be electable. Yes, my sister and I were once so high we tried to smoke breakfast cereal through a bong, yes I don’t technically have a high school diploma and yes, I have had, in the past, a rather pronounced problem with Athlete’s Foot, but in this day and age I think all of these thing would be forgiven. Even the sexual escapades would be, perhaps, giggled over, but I don’t think they would change my status as a viable candidate.

No, what I want to put my support behind is actually and idea that is as ancient as the bible. I think we should legalize plural marriage, or polygamy.

I’m pretty sure one of two ideas just jumped into your head. Either “I thought you said you weren’t Mormon” or “Kinky! This guy wants two wives!”, so let me state for the record, I am not Mormon and God help the man who has more than one wife.

Complete disclosure here, and mom, if you’re still reading, plug your ears for a second, but I’ve been in several multiple partner situations. There have been five times in my life that two fly honeys wanted to trip the light fandango with me. When I think of being in Hawaii at a bar with two 21 year old dancers who both wanted to sleep with me and were willing to do it together so I wouldn’t have to chose, it brings a tear to my eye.

And it brings a tear to my eye because I said “No! What? NOOO!” And here’s my problem. I’m not old fashioned, that’s not it. It’s just that being with one woman is damn near impossible. It’s like flying a 747, but with all the controls blacked out and no windshield. You’ve got about twenty things you are supposed to be doing at any one time, but you have only the tiniest physical shudders or aural clues to let you know when you’ve screwed up. How the hell can you be with more than one woman?

It takes me about two years to figure out what someone wants, how the hell am I supposed to figure out several women at the same time? You try the same shit on more than one woman, you will eventually get slapped. Or worse, laughed at. There is nothing worse than showing up with salad makings and cowboy boots only to get Prufrocked. “That is not what I meant at all. That is not it at all.”

And I’m not Mormon. Those crazy bastards. But seriously, what the hell is any better about being one of those crazy bastards than being any other crazy religious bastard. I know Jews who won’t say “Yahweh” because you aren’t supposed to say the true name of God. That’s fucking crazy. I know Catholics who believe in transubstantiation. That’s just nuts.

Also, the Mormons excommunicate anyone who practices plural marriage, and they have done that for the last century. But, there are people living in Utah and Colorado who practice plural marriage and they’re having a ball doing it. Or not, maybe they’re as miserable as I would be.

But gays should have the right to marry, to have the same rights as non-gays, and if that extends to nutjob religious freaks in the desert, than let ’em. Expose it, honor the marriages, and quit giving these jackholes tax money. There is a legitimate argument that if marriage is extended beyond a relationship between a man and a woman, that people will start arguing that it should extend to plural marriage. Of course, it isn’t the plural marriage people who are arguing that, because they sorta like it being illegal.

Y’see, if you have six wives, only the first one is legal. The rest are technically single mothers living with no income, and most of these women have five or six kids each. So the other five are collecting vast sums of money from the government while paying almost no tax themselves. Over 50% of people living in these plural marraige societies collect welfare, and 30% of all babies born in these same towns are paid for by medicaid. That’s your tax dollars at work.

Look, I’m married, and I don’t need my marriage defended against either homsexuals or crazy Christians. Our marriage is wholly our own. And what if three women who really like each other marry the same man and they live ridiculous fat American lives in a border town in Colorado, why do we think we have to stop that? How is making that illegal American? Let the stupid fat bastards live their lives any way they want to, and quit making me pay for it.

Or, what if these women are abused, disrespected, whatever? If something illegal happens, arrest the fuckers for the illegal thing. If they are selling their 14 year old daughters, then make that illegal. If they are beating their wives, send ’em to jail. Make all the bad stuff illegal, but legalize the marriages. They are, like gay couples, living out their lives and if there is even one family that is doing this happily, it is wrong for it to be illegal. Don’t defend my marriage, I don’t need it.