Aint No Good Guys

Posted February 21st, 2006 by Sean Williams

I won’t apologize for not writing in this blog, I’m just bad about updating it and I don’t really feel any guilt. I don’t expect anything from you in return, I don’t feel like I’ve got any kind of an agreement, spoken or unspoken, and this will get updated when it gets updated.

In other words, Mom, I’ll call you if anything interesting happens to me.

Now, really quick.

Tolerance is really important. You have to tolerate things that you despise, unless you have the right to obliterate those things. For instance, I am intolerant of headaches, I will drink massive quantities of coffee and water combined with Excedrin and Tylenol Sinus or whatever the hell I have to in order to do battle with headaches. I tolerate being overweight. I hate it, but I work around it.

I tolerate religion. I despise it and, to be perfectly honest, I lose respect for people who thank God for the good things that happen to them, and then blame people for random natural acts. God has never made me a better actor, and God has never caused a flood to kill people. The floods are random weather situations and people’s triumphs happen because of either hard work or luck. God doesn’t make a jump shot fall, and God doesn’t punish the leaders of Israel for dividing the promised land.

But I tolerate it when people say they want to worship God or whatever. I am not respectful of it. I don’t have to be. If you keep kosher or you go to church every sunday, there’s a part of me that respects that because it takes sacrifice and organization and you have to give up something in your life in order to obey a ritual, and I think that ability translates into real world skills. I respect a Muslim who prays five times a day, it takes gumption to do that. It takes moxy.

But, you know what? I don’t pray five times a day. And I don’t pray because I don’t believe. Every time I’ve cast my eyes skyward, even in moments of horror and panic, I knew I was being a fool and I simply couldn’t formulate a prayer. I don’t believe in the supernatural, I don’t believe in monsters, I don’t believe in God.

You can’t make me. You can kill me, you can threaten to kill me, you can say whatever you want, but I will never believe that your God is on his way to judge me, I will never believe that there is a next world where I will get my come-uppance. I tolerate your religion, and many times I go so far as to respect it, but unless I get some kind of super-material world proof that there is a knowing God that has control over anything, I won’t believe you no matter how many times you say it.

So why won’t you get the hell out of my life? Why do you want to deny me the right to an abortion? Why do you want to deny me the right to draw cartoons? Why do you want to deny me the right to learn about science in grade school?

It’s because you are afraid. I think it’s because you know I’m right. It’s because deep inside yourself, you know that God isn’t coming, you know that your prayers aren’t heard. Deep inside yourself, you know that the Messiah’s return has been foretold and missed thousands and thousands of times. I’m not that smart, and it’s easy for me to know that the floods and earthquakes have always been here.

I think it’s because you feel insignificant, because you think you don’t matter. You want to believe that God loves you because you don’t completely believe that the people around you love you. And that’s really sad, it really is. I feel lonely, I miss the existence of God, I hate the coldness of the infinite that surrounds me, and it leaves me in a state of panic and shock sometimes. I’m attracted to a father of infinite power and intelligence that loves me, I would love for it to be true.

But it doesn’t make sense, none of it. And you hate the fact that someone can ignore your truth because it makes you question it, and if you question it even for a moment, you will know it isn’t true. Look, if you had a regular diet and a roof over your head, you wouldn’t give a shit about a cartoon. If you could masturbate without shame, you wouldn’t give a shit about abortion. If you weren’t scared of being wrong all the time, you wouldn’t care if I was wrong.

I tolerate you. I don’t respect you. And I don’t expect you to respect me, my life is ridiculous. But you’re gonna have to learn to tolerate me, because you won’t ever be able to get rid of me. I’m the future – science, industry and freedom are the future. You’re the past