Oh no…

Posted January 4th, 2005 by Sean Williams

This is one of those times when I look at the blank blog and think of the scads of people I could piss off. At least, y’know, the eleven or so people who read this blog. Very often, when I want to piss off people, everyone is just bemused, and then, when I’m just joking around, people get outraged. So, God knows, this could be messy.

Aristic Pursuits and the Horrible Feeling Thereof?

I’d better not. My wife is having a tough stretch of it right now after a series of dissapointments, and it would be stupid for me to offer any kind of advice, as I’ve learned. Her concerns are legitimate, her answers are extremely difficult to come by and it will take the full force of her mind to solve them, mine is far too weak.

Criticism of Chosen Lifestyles?

No, after a spasm of family, I don’t dare write anything critical about how anyone lives their life or it will just create more friction in my relatively friction free extended family right now. I could make fun of something and have every single brother, sister and parent breathing down my neck.

Politics?

The only thing I will say about this (a subject that, although I loathe, I seem to be willing to talk about) is that in The Aviator, the hero manages to turn the politicians on their asses by being honest and forthright. Of course, it’s because the criticisms against him weren’t invented black children in the south or invented disgrace in war or invented ties to terrorist groups. It was actually crushing to watch an individual win a war against big government and big media with the full knowledge that it simply never happens any more.

Weight/Health?

No, it isn’t really fair. The truth is, I get a kick out of my weight being so out of control, I like making people laugh at my big gut, and unless I start getting humiliated by my weight, I’m never going to do anything to control it.

Fuck.

Okay, here’s what I’d like to say.

As I approached thirty, I moved from LA to New York figuring I had nothing to lose. I didn’t, and I’ve lost nothing. My life has been a net gain since the age of 29, and that was after a period of about fifteen years where every year was pretty bad. The period between my parent’s divorce and my divorce was a dark period.

For some of us, it takes a long time until we know how we are going to live our lives. Fortunately, this modern world affords us the time to figure it out. Yes, we feel a certain amount of pressure to know what we are doing with our lives once we graduate from, y’know, whatever, but the truth is, if we coast until we’re 30 or so, and then buckle down and start answering questions, we’re not *medically* screwing ourselves.

Used to be, you went to work by 16, had kids before you were 25, died of black lung from the coal mines by 45 with grandkids already on the way. Those were bad times.

I lived an entirely different life before I turned thirty, and I got to bring those experiences to Sean.05a. And it’s nice to have all that to bring to this. Not having all the answers is frustrating, not having any answers is unsettling, but it is par for the course, and beating yourself up for being confused is adding insult to injury.

My friend Chip got married a few days ago. He married a woman close to him in age. I’ve spent a lot of time with Chip, not as much with Cathie, but it is a gift of fortune that these two waited for the answer before answering. They are both in their mid thirties, and it just took them this long to find each other. My wife was there years before I knew it.

Some things just take time. Some things won’t arrive until you are ready for them. And, sure, some things pass you by and you lose out. It isn’t a perfect world. But Chip and Cathy were right, they had faith and their faith was answered. It was a faith based on nothing, based simply on the fact that faith was required. Their union is an inspiration, a testimony to passionate patience, to striving for the *right* answer, not just *an* answer.

Thank God