Love and Marriage.

Strom Thurmond’s Black Daughter. That’s the headline on Slate.

And I guess if I owe you a rant, I should start by saying that this one might make you uncomfortable. But the cover of Newsweek is talking about gay marriage and everyone is going on and on about Scalia, so I thought I would weigh in on this.

And before I get too far, I feel like I need to say that I understand that the individual is not only more important than the group, the individual to me is all. When I was doing a show at the Black Spectrum Theater, every single guy didn’t eat soul food and talk about black artists and basketball. Only almost every single guy. Anthony, who grew up in LA like me, didn’t really follow sports, didn’t speak in ebonics, etc. But most of the guys did, and culturally, I embraced them and was embraced by them because I also like soul food, black artists and basketball.

That being said, culturally, I have very little in common with gay people. Despite my extended relationships in high school, I now find myself barely tolerating social gay behavior, and I find that the gay community, of which I used to belong, tolerates me not at all. Although several of my best friends are gay, they also don’t fit in to gay society. I do love new nice shoes, I do love cooking and designing a home, and I do love intimacy with other guys on many levels, but I can’t stand replacing wit with flamboyance, I hate that outrageous behavior replaces debate, and I feel that celebrating sexuality is akin to finding meaning in digestion or respiration.

Again, this is not everyone. Standard disclaimers apply.

That being said, I am, of course, completely in favor of gay marriage. If you are stupid enough to want to get married, then get married. What on earth are people protecting with the defense of marriage act? Are you really so scared of your secret gay curiosity that you worry that your marriage will count as a gay marriage if gay people are also allowed to marry? I mean, gay people own cars, you own a car, maybe you’re gay…

And don’t talk to me about the ‘ick factor’ as Newsweek called it. You think about gay guys, and you think about… y’know… ‘back there’… you think about your own ‘back there’ and what comes out of ‘back there’… and, I mean, that’s just… gross… that’s supposed to be where doo doo comes out…

You are an infant. If you don’t like picturing gay people having anal intercourse, let me ‘splain something to you. Gay people don’t have to have anal intercourse, a lot of it is mutual masturbation, which a lot of you straight guys in fraternities do all the time anyway. And secondly, if you think anyone wants to watch you have sexual intercourse, even in missionary position with an attractive man or woman, you are wrong. Look at yourself. Do you really think anyone wants to picture you having sex?

We’ve made it impossible to find sex beautiful on any level. Your face generally looks like you are about to sneeze, and you are hunched around yourself all bowled over and bent double and knees tucked up or legs splayed out. You look ridiculous ‘making the beast with two backs’, so don’t go talking about how gross it is to picture gay sex. All sex is ridiculous, porn has to go to great lengths and hire yoga instructors to make it look good.

Back to Strom. You can say you hate something, you can say you want something removed from your life, but chances are that you don’t want it there because the temptation is too high. You want it yourself, or you wouldn’t care if it was there. If I was watching my weight, I could buy all the ice cream in the world, because, truthfully, I don’t like ice cream that much and I wouldn’t eat it anyway. Strom wanted the black people separated from him, because he couldn’t stop himself from rubbing up against them.

You don’t want gay people around, because you secretly know that you actually want them around.