A play…

My sister once said, “everyone always knows the truth about everything, we just choose to believe the lies we tell ourselves.” To my great disadvantage, I’ve held this to be true for most of my life, even though Michelle said it quite flippantly when she was thirteen.

The problem with it is that I like to make jokes about this guy I play, this big jerk who constantly talks shit and treats people badly. It’s a fun character, and one I’m sure shares something with who I really am, but still, I do it with the understanding that everyone knows the truth about who I am.

Here’s a little play I sent to my freinds yesterday.


Sean And Jordana, Act 76, scene 12

Sean is in the kitchen eating Hershey’s kisses as fast as he can, Jordana enters with cleaning supplies. Jordana moves around the kitchen during this scene while Sean stands in one place with the water running absently into an already full mug.

S: I knew you were gonna clean the whole bathroom, so I didn’t give you any shit.

J: What do you mean?

S: (piling chocolate in his mouth) I told you we should go to bed, but I knew you wouldn’t be comfortable unless you cleaned the bathroom, so I figured I wouldn’t give you any shit.

J: Give me shit?

S: (mid-chew) Y’know, for staying up later.

J: Let me get this straight. You stayed on the couch eating chocolate while I went in to the bathroom and cleaned it entirely, and you would like me to give you credit for not giving me shit?

S: (pause) Well, I mean, I didn’t give you shit, right?

J: There’s chocolate spit on your face. It’s really gross.

S: But not as gross as the bathroom would have been if I hadn’t stopped giving you shit long enough to clean it.

J: It was pretty gross. I just felt like it should be clean, y’know. Nothing’s grosser than a gross bathroom.

S: (eating more chocolate) How ’bout a severed human head? (pause, looks at her with eyebrows raised pointing at her) Seriously. A severed human head. S’pretty gross (goes back to eating chocolate.)

J: I think Jon and Mac’s bathroom might actually be grosser than a severed human head. (she leaves)

S: (calling after her and playing with the full mug in the sink) If you want to clean their bathroom, I won’t give you shit…


And here’s what actually happened. I was washing dishes in the kitchen. I had eaten one Hershey’s kiss, but any more than that would have made me sick. There was a large stack of dishes (tech week and a roommate who teaches 4th grade in Harlem manifests itself in the kitchen), and I was trying to get through them because Jordana really wanted the house cleaned.

Jordi came in, saying, “I’m sorry, I know you want me to get more sleep, but I just need to get the bathroom clean before Mike gets here…”

I said, “Dude! Why are you apologizing? You just cleaned the bathroom. I knew you wouldn’t be comfortable unless it was clean, and I didn’t want to give you shit about it.

Jordi: “There’s just nothing grosser than a gross bathroom.”

Me: “How ’bout a severed human head?”

Jordi (not missing a beat): “Um, Mac and Jonathan’s bathroom is probably grosser than a severed human head. I’m gettin’ in the shower…”

See? The real story is so frickin’ pollyanna, you don’t want to read it. Nothing happens, it isn’t funny at all. But, when we’re with a group of people we hardly know and Jordana says, “Sean’s always trying to make sure I’m taking care of myself, he’s the one who is manic about keeping the apartment clean”, if I don’t interrupt her and say, “Did I give you permission to speak?” then we’re just another annoying couple.

But I’m sure there is a whole group of people who hear that and think I’m being serious. I don’t think there’s anything I can do about that. I have a job, and that job is boobery, and if I don’t do my job, I don’t get paid back with the kindness and devotion of my friends.

And plus, sometimes, I beat her. Not because I’m bigger and stronger or just because I can, although that is true. I beat her because she disobeys.