It was supposed to pour down rain all day today and it hasn’t at all. Sometimes it’s the little things.

Several Christmases ago, I called my brother Ian “the laziest mother fucker on the planet”. He responded by telling me to go fuck myself, and a session of shit talking on both sides ensued. Then, we forgot about it and moved on.

We never apologized. Do I regret it? I mean… honestly, no. I don’t really care and neither does he. To say I regret it or to apologize or whatever would be a wholesale sell-out on what guys have to do occasionally. Maybe it’s because we pee standing up, but every once in a while you lean back and see how far you can make a stream of urine go. When that happens, you end up peeing on people. It sucks, it’s unpleasant and the women who share our lives with us have to deal with us ranting and raving about what assholes we all are, but there you go. It has to be done.

Plus, how could I possible claim that Ian is the laziest mother fucker on the planet. There are lots of lazy mother fuckers, and I’m willing to bet Ian isn’t even in the top 25%. Also, I like Tessa’s assertation that there is no such thing as laziness, only fear. That appeals to me, as a lazy mother fucker, so I’m gonna hold on to it.

Anyway, bearing that in mind, this will not be the blog it was going to be. It was gonna be a blog about how I just can’t be a Lakers fan anymore. Malone breaking people’s teeth, Devean George not living up to his huge contract, Shaq being an immature jerk, Kobe, aside from raping a girl, being a jackass, Phil Jackson usurping eastern mystical ideas for a completely western experience, Jerry West long gone, my own conflicts with the idea of Los Angeles, etc.

But last night watching the Lakers play was just so gorgeous. To see the very best players in the NBA at three positions, and to watch the role players score at will when their defender was defending everyone else was wonderful. It could be that I have been a fan too long, that the gold and purple jerseys rubbed my eyes the right way. But it was great basketball, and it’s fun to watch. So, let Kobe and Shaq call eachother lazy and fat and selfish. It isn’t anything worse than what Ian and I say about eachother.

However, if anyone talks shit about Michelle, I will kill them. If you hear me talking shit, don’t even fucking agree, I will kill you.

I hate that people use the “boys will be boys” excuse, and I know it offends a lot of people. (These are many of the same people that feel like saying “women understand these things” is totally inoffensive.) But the fact is, Ian and I adore each other and we still can say terrible things, even behind eachother’s backs. That’s why we have brothers, to talk shit out of one side of our mouths, and then jump down outsider’s throats when they agree.

We contain multitudes and apologizing for that would be hypocritical and insane.