Labor Day Email

Mac said: Who’s got the report on Labor Day at Ian & Tessa’s? It was really boring without me, right? Right?

It was actually really fun, and by Monday morning I had one of those Carolina headaches, the ones that hurt from not enough sleep and too much liquor. I would say it was an incredibly fun weekend, except that at some point, when at Ian’s, we always play a game and I always limp away from it wishing everyone was dead.

I hate parlor games more than I can describe.

Other than that, it was incredible. My bowling scores: Game one – 43, Game two – 158. It takes me a coupla frames to get the spin down. We had a fire up on the hill and drank scotch and talked about masturbation. Seth danced. My sister showed up, we explained to her that our friend M would touch her in a way that would make her feel weird, then M kissed her on the mouth and ran her hands down Michelle’s pants and said, “I love these pants”. Salem got drunk and announced that while he didn’t want anything going in his ass, he’d like things pulled out. Then he qualified that “anything” to “maybe a finger, y’know, just a little wiggle” and then he passed out. Seth danced some more. I beat the be-jesus out of all comers at foosball. We had a talent show which featured Jamie Block singing a song about his mom and Jordana singing a song about radioactivity and Michelle singing about conversations and heartache and me singing about cicadas and locusts and the shrieking of innumerable gibbons and Seth dancing. Brian Walsh slept in a tent up on the hill until he woke up because inside the tent it was 187 degrees. “I have an inside thermometer. It’s Nordic.”

We went to a fair and they had corndogs that I could write a blog about. They had a display of art from all the k-12 schools, and it blew my mind. There was a one weird cubist drawing of a woman in a green slip that was billowing up around her waist so you could see her bare butt and it was only after staring at it for a few minutes that I realized it was the statue of liberty holding her torch upside down and dropping her tablet as if in a giant wind. Painted in acrylic by some tenth grader. They had live animals and kettle corn, the latter smelling far better than the former. Off in a corner, I thought I saw Seth dancing, but it was actually a sheep contest. A gay sheep contest.

I golfed and did much better than I would have guessed. I’m a golfer now.

But yeah, I would have loved it if you were there, although you would have had to sleep in Brian’s tent.