What you should be thankful for

1) I make you laugh all the time, and you are almost always really boring. C’mon, you know it’s true. Sure, I laugh a lot when you talk, but I have this thing, this unfortunate thing, that makes me laugh a little bit more depending on how not funny you are. I’m goddam hilarious, and I don’t really get paid back very much.

2) I’m a really good cook. Sometimes I make stuff that isn’t great, but even then I’m probably better than you are. And you eat my food all the damn time, at least you have over the last few years. Think about it. At, say, ten dollars an hour, how much do you owe me for the time I cook?

3) I give some really good advice. Sage. Motherfucking *sage* advice. That’s what I give. And what do you give me? Trouble.

4) Shit happens when I’m around. Trouble is caused, excitement ensues. Oh, sure, maybe not as much now as back in the day, but you know that a part of you gets nervous when shit starts being talked because you just *know* I’m gonna jump in the center of it and get all *redefining inappropriate*. You’re right, I cut my mohawk off, but you know the mohawk is living on just under my scalp, ready to piss some people off.

5) I will physically get in the way if shit starts going down. I’ve been hit in the face more times than I can count, chances are you haven’t really. I’ll jump in front. I’ll take it. My face is no great loss anyway.

6) I bring it with this blog. I’ll write to support plural marriage, I’m the only one on Ron Artest’s side. I don’t fill a blog with stuff unless it’s good stuff. Oh, sure, you actually write your blog, but you don’t bring it. I bring it.

7) I’m the perfect wingman. Take me with you, I’ll talk to any girl. What do I have to lose? No, I probably won’t show up to stuff that interferes with my life of going to sleep within ten minutes of getting tired and playing golf any day the weather is good, but if you find me sitting next to you at a bar and you want to have, say, sexual intercourse with someone, let me know. I’ll buttress your ass right in there.

8) I am willing to be fat and fart simply for your amusement. Maintaining this weight is a lot of work, and eating the right amount of beef and spice in order to create gastrointestinal distress without actually hurting myself is a fine balancing act. I do this for you.

9) I am inspiring both in my work ethic and in my constant failure. It’s fun to watch my life as I furiously spin my wheels like a palsied spastic on a treadmill. I wake every morning at 7:30 and you can use that as a source of inspiration, however I also never accomplish anything, and you can use that as a comparative analysis to feel better about yourself. If you sleep till noon, you can always say, “Yeah, but if I got up at 7:30, I’d just be a tired loser like Sean.”

10) I make love to you the way you like it. Real fast at the beginning and then the low slow asphyxiation section followed by the pre-orgasmic crying binge, culminating in the depressing anal foot fetish. I can take one look at you and know what you need, and you know it, too. You can see it in my eyes.

So, there’s more, but one more thing you can thank me for is my willingness to let certain things go unsaid. I’m not sure how much, but, yeah, from where I’m sitting, you owe me.