Take it to the BANK

It is important to me that you understand that following without *any* possible misunderstanding or misinterpretation. There are things in my life that I will assign a certain amount of ambiguity to, there are things in my life that I’m willing to go either way about at the onset, and still other things that I feel fairly certain about but you might be able to change my mind given enough time. The following is not one of these things, the following is absolute.

If you become a zombie, and I have the opportunity, I will kill you.

It seems to me that the only strength zombies have is when someone you recognize becomes a zombie. You see a zombie coming towards you and you shoot it in the head and then the one behind comes towards you and… wait, is it? It’s your girlfriend, the girl you always loved… and bam, you’re eaten.

Not me. I will fucking kill you. I know that there are people I don’t know who read this blog. To you I say, of course I’m gonna kill you. If I don’t know you and you’re *not* a zombie, but, y’know, there’s an alien invasion or something and you’re in my way of getting food and water, then I’ll probably kill you. I don’t care if your a nun, I’ll throw you off the lifeboat to make room for my wife or something.

Now, the people I know and love, I’m not gonna kill you. For any reason. Unless you become a zombie.

There is an important thing for you to understand about all this. If there are zombies, right, there are zombies everywhere, and you think it might be funny to walk slowly towards me saying some shit like, “braaiiinnnsss” or whatever, but you *aren’t* a zombie, I’m not gonna wait and find out if you’re fucking with me. I’m gonna kill you. So don’t make that joke. As a matter of fact, if you’ve been bitten by a zombie, but you aren’t a zombie *yet*… don’t mess with me, I know how zombies work. You’re gonna be a zombie. I may as well kill you now while you understand that I’m doing it for a good reason.

Also, let’s say you’re not a zombie, but there are zombies everywhere and I have an automatic weapon. Or a bomb. Something that will kill a lot of zombies all at once. I’m gonna use it. Dude, what are you doing hanging out with a bunch of zombies anyway? You think they don’t know you’re not a zombie? They are gonna bite your shit, then you’ll be a zombie, then I’ll have to kill you anyway. If you are hanging out where zombies hang out and I have a way of blowing up a bunch of zombies, then I’m gonna blow the place up, and you should be hanging out with me.

Also, I should say, if I become a zombie and you kill me, that’s totally fine. Except I’m not gonna be a zombie. Not me. You know why? Because I will kill any zombie who even gets *close*. Including you.

While I’m at it, I need to make another promise. If I ever get bit by a radioactive spider, or if I get nailed with gamma rays or I learn I’m from another planet or something, I’m gonna go ahead and tell you. If suddenly, New York gets visited by a superhero of some sort or another, there’s no point in asking me if I’m him because I will already have told you I’m him.

Seriously, I’ve never had an unexpressed thought, let alone a secret. If I’m a superhero, then this *blog* will change to “SeanTheSuperHeroRants”, because I will totally tell everyone I’m a superhero. The neighbors will be all “Hey, thanks for saving us from that unholy terror last night that attacked the city with a bizarrely specific and unweildy plan for world domination while wearing a costume, because that would have sucked if it had worked…” except I won’t understand because all of my neighbors are first generation immigrants that don’t speak english.

But they will wave and mispronounce my superhero name.

Oh, also. If *you* become a superhero and you don’t want people to know? Don’t tell me. Because I’ll be like, “Dude, come clean. Just tell everyone. Don’t you know what level of girl you could be gettin’ if you let New York know that you’re The Amazing Shoe (or whatever you’re name is)”.

You know what, I have to go back to the zombie thing for a minute because I don’t think I’ve made this clear. If you’re my wife, I will kill you. If you’re my mom, I will shoot you in the goddam head. If you are my nephew, seriously, Sean and Lucas, if you guys become zombies, I will kill you. Kent, if your kids are zombies and you try to stop me, I’ll kill all of you guys.

I’m not gonna get bitten by a zombie. Period.

Now, if Lucy becomes a zombie, I’ll probably let that slide. Baby zombies are probably still cute and they don’t have any teeth. And I’m not sure zombies *age*, necessarily. But they can’t bite. And if they’re yelling for brains, I mean, they can’t really talk or anything…

Okay, baby zombies are fine. Unless they get teeth. If they get teeth and can bite me, that’s a whole nother story.

As for the rest of you, I will not pause, I won’t aim, then recognize you, then look up at you longingly… fuck that. I’m gonna shoot you. And if you aren’t a zombie, if you’re just near a zombie, or if you’re close to being a zombie but aren’t *yet* a zombie and I shoot you, I won’t feel bad. You’re either with the zombies or against the zombies, and you better make a choice.