It is better to produce a great piece of theater than to see one. It is better to see great piece of theater than to have missed a great piece of theater. It is better to see a great piece of theater with the understanding that a great piece of theater is possible than to show up at a piece of great theater with grudging indifference, even if you are eventually won over. And above all of these is to be an actor or a director and being there for the entire wonderful evening.

I do wish that more of you saw our show, or I should say our shows. It’s astonishing the number of people who haven’t seen our last three productions. But, I also don’t want you to come if you aren’t interesting in seeing theater. We’ve done pretty well by our audiences, we’ve got extremely discerning people who have *loved* our last three shows, and all three of these properties are shows that could go on and make us money. Or, since it’s live theater, they definitely won’t make us any money, but they could become shows of some note.

But you should seriously consider whether or not you like being there, being in the theater watching the show. Because the seats aren’t really comfortable, usually, and you’re gonna be really close to people and you are gonna have to pay attention. You can’t come late, you can’t talk during, you can’t leave, you are a prisoner to this entertainment, and if you don’t want to be that, then don’t feel bad about not coming.

I’ve gone to a couple of improv shows, and I’ve done it because I *LOVE* people. Only an affection that supercedes fondness could get me to an improv show. I hate improv. It’s torture. Desperate sweaty people who don’t have a clue what they’re about to say conjure moments of wonderful genius, but I can’t take the pressure. The worst for me is when an entire evening goes by and people are close to having good ideas, funny ideas, but they never actually come up with the thing that is touching or moving or meaningful.

But I go. Because I love my friends deeply. But I’m totally honest with them. They ask me how I liked the show, and I tell them that I watched the whole thing between my fingers.

The fact that we have to make announcements at the beginning of shows, reminding people to turn off their shit and open their candy now, is amazing. The fact that, even after the announcement is made, people still don’t is astonishing.

It is entertainment, but it is also church. It will inspire you and move you, but you are a part of the evening, you are a part of the proceedings, and you have a responsibility to be a part of the evening. So, decide, and if you hate theater, then tell me that. Maybe you are an actor, currently trying to get employed in New York, and you hate being in the theater. Some people may accuse you of myopia, but that’s fine, just tell me and I swear to God, I’ll be cool.

But please know, we take our responsibility to your two hour prison sentence very seriously. When you come see our shows, you will be able to find something to hate, especially if you are clever and you put your mind to it, but we have no hostility towards you. We believe that you are honoring us with your presence and your behavior as an audience member.

Please understand, your presence alone isn’t an honor, but your good behavior during the play is.

We will never again force you to take your medicine, all of the vitamins are of the berry-flavored variety. The faces of the people after our latest play are something I will never forget. People were transported and delighted, disturbed and intrigued, and people keep saying “I was up all night talking about it.” If you come, in the future, if you come, we’ll keep bringing more like this. Just trust me and come, you’ll see.

Unless you hate theater. Tell me that. I have friends who voted for George Bush, and I still love them deeply. I’ll understand. You have no interest in being in the audience for a piece of theater.

Of course, you’ll have to understand when I don’t come to your show either. I love theater, but I’m not interested in seeing theater made by people who don’t.