Turn The Channel

Posted March 12th, 2009 by Sean Williams

Family Guy is being GROSS! Call the COPS!

It isn’t possible to watch everything your child is watching all the time. But it is possible to turn the TV off.

My mom had her TV paused at her place, and Barnaby came in the TV room. She un-paused the TV and turned it off, but during that four seconds, a person was being suffocated on screen with a plastic bag. It scared the shit out of Barnaby, he had to curl up in my mom’s lap for two or three minutes to get over it.

So, why do parent’s groups seem to protest the loudest when it’s sex? My son has seen me and his mom, and himself, naked a thousand times, and he doesn’t seem to notice or care. If he had watched the Family Guy episode quoted above, he would have seen a cartoon, and, during the cartoon, he would have watched a baby eat cereal. I don’t know, I just can’t imagine he’d need to curl up in my lap from that.

The world isn’t safe for babies, that’s just the truth. If you want to make it safe for kids, you’re wasting your time and you’re disrespecting your kids. You have two choices you can make when it comes to raising children, and I’ll use handguns as an example. You can either a) tell your kid that a handgun is just about the scariest thing in the world, and there is a trigger that makes bullets come out, and there’s a safety and this is where the bullets go in…

or b) you can pretend there’s no such thing as handguns.

Now, the context for the Family Guy episode demands that you pretend your child will understand that the cereal *might* have horse sperm in it instead of milk. And that your child will know what horse sperm is. And how one gets it. And then equate that with sex with a horse. And then decide that they like beastiality. Or, you can spend one second thinking about the fact that it’s gonna require at least a junior high school level of education in order to even *GET* the joke.

Any kid under ten who watches this clip will see a cartoon baby eating cereal. And they won’t have a CLUE why you’re laughing. And they also won’t have a CLUE as to why you are so offended, you culturally vacuous waste of time.